100+funny Quotes to Make You Smile

Certainly! Funny is a word used to describe something that causes laughter or amusement. It’s a quality that evokes a sense of joy and lightheartedness. Humor can come in many forms, such as jokes, puns, funny stories, comedic performances, and amusing situations. What one person finds funny might not necessarily be funny to someone else, as humor is subjective and can vary based on personal experiences, cultural backgrounds, and individual preferences.

Comedy often plays with unexpected twists, wordplay, exaggeration, and relatable situations to create laughter. Laughter is not only enjoyable, but it also has positive effects on our well-being. It can reduce stress, improve mood, and even strengthen social bonds by creating shared moments of joy. So, whether it’s a hilarious movie, a clever joke, or a comical mishap, embracing funny moments can be a great way to brighten up your day! “Funny” is a concept deeply rooted in human psychology and social interactions. It refers to the quality of being amusing, comical, or entertaining, often evoking laughter and positive emotions.

Humor takes various forms, including slapstick comedy with exaggerated physical antics, witty wordplay that plays on language nuances, and satirical commentary that highlights the absurdities of life. The appeal of humor lies in its ability to create unexpected twists, challenge conventions, and offer a fresh perspective on everyday situations. Different people and cultures have diverse tastes in humor, but its benefits are universal. Laughter triggered by funny experiences releases stress, fosters social bonds, and aids in memory retention. Whether through jokes, memes, stand-up comedy, or shared anecdotes, humor enriches our lives and underscores the uniqueness of human connection through laughter.

“I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later."—Mitch Hedberg

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”—Mitch Hedberg


“Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.”—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove


“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”—Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”—Mark Twain


“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”—Will Ferrell

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”—Will Ferrell


“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner


“Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day

“Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day


“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck


“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller


“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”—Ellen DeGeneres

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”—Ellen DeGeneres


 “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”—Anonymous

 “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”—Anonymous


 “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld

 “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld


“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office


 “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”—Anonymous

 “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”—Anonymous


 “I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”—Rodney Dangerfield

 “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”—Rodney Dangerfield


“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”—Les Dawson

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”—Les Dawson


 “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus

 “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus


“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”—Steven Wright

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”—Steven Wright


 “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”—Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!

 “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”—Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!


“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”―Mindy Kaling,Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”―Mindy Kaling,Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?


 “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”—Joan Rivers

 “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”—Joan Rivers


 “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

 “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear


 “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”—Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy

 “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”—Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy


“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”—Jimmy Kimmel

“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”—Jimmy Kimmel


“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”—Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up

“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”—Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up


 “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”—Lessons from the Minivan

 “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”—Lessons from the Minivan


 “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”—Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory

 “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”—Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory


 “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”—Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club

 “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”—Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club


 “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”—Jerry Seinfeld

 “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”—Jerry Seinfeld


 Lucy: “There's just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”Fred: “Your feet?”—Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley),I Love Lucy

 Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”Fred: “Your feet?”—Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley),I Love Lucy


 “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”—Anonymous

 “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”—Anonymous


 Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”Norm: “I don't know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”—Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers

 Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”Norm: “I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”—Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers


 “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” —Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

 “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” —Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation


“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey

“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey


 “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”—Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

 “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”—Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective


 “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”—Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias

 “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”—Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias


“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”—Anonymous

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”—Anonymous


 “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”—Graham Norton

 “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”—Graham Norton


“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends


 “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”—George Carlin

 “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”—George Carlin


 “When I'm in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don't have to shake hands.”—Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm

 “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”—Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm


 “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”—Sir Norman Wisdom

 “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”—Sir Norman Wisdom


“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”—Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”—Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel


 “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”—Adam Gropman

 “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”—Adam Gropman


 “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

 “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”—Neil DeGrasse Tyson


 “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”—Groucho Marx

 “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”—Groucho Marx


 “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”—Jay Leno

 “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”—Jay Leno


“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”—Steve Martin

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”—Steve Martin


 “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”—Dave Barry

 “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”—Dave Barry


“Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”—Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective

“Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”—Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective


 “What do you mean, he don't eat no meat? That's okay, that's okay. I make lamb.”—Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding

 “What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.”—Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding


 “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”—George Burns

 “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”—George Burns


“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”—Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda

“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”—Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda


“Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”—Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny

“Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”—Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny


 “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”—Ellen DeGeneres

 “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”—Ellen DeGeneres


 “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”—Tina Fey, Bossypants

 “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”—Tina Fey, Bossypants


“There is one word that describes people that don't like me: Irrelevant.”—Anonymous

“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”—Anonymous


 “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

 “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory


“I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”—Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters

“I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”—Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters


Police officer: “Pull over.”Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”—Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber

Police officer: “Pull over.”Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”—Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber


 “I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope

 “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope


 “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night

 “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night


 “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”—Anonymous

 “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”—Anonymous


 “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”—Mark Twain

 “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”—Mark Twain


 “Woke up today. It was terrible.”—Grumpy Cat

 “Woke up today. It was terrible.”—Grumpy Cat


“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”—Anonymous

“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”—Anonymous


 “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal

 “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal


 “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”—Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors

 “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”—Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors


“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”—Erma Bombeck

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”—Erma Bombeck


 “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”—Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace

 “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”—Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace


“Why can't you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”—Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids

“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”—Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids


“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”—Oscar Wilde

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”—Oscar Wilde


 “What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife,two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally

 “What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife,two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally


 “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”—Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City

 “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”—Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City


Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today.”Becky: “Which one is 'mute'?”—Waitress, the Musical

Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today.”Becky: “Which one is ‘mute’?”—Waitress, the Musical


 “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”—Anonymous

 “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”—Anonymous


 “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”—Betty White

 “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”—Betty White


 “My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”—Maria Bamford

 “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”—Maria Bamford


“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”—Jarod Kintz

“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”—Jarod Kintz


“Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”—Dorothy Parker—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail

“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”—Dorothy Parker—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail


“Good parenting means investing in your child's future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”—Lin-Manuel Miranda

“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”—Lin-Manuel Miranda


“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”—Anonymous

“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”—Anonymous


“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”—Groucho Marx

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”—Groucho Marx


“I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada

“I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada


 “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”—Damien Fahey

 “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”—Damien Fahey


 “Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.”—Anonymous

 “Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.”—Anonymous


 “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”—Jack Whitehall

 “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”—Jack Whitehall


 “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”—Noel Coward

 “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”—Noel Coward


 “Trying is the first step toward failure.”—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

 “Trying is the first step toward failure.”—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons


 “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”—Zach Galifianakis

 “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”—Zach Galifianakis


Always wear cute pajamas to bed you'll never know who you will meet in your dreamsGod is really creative, I mean just look at me :P

Always wear cute pajamas to bed you’ll never know who you will meet in your dreamsGod is really creative, I mean just look at me 😛


 Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.

 Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire.


" When I'm on my death bed, I want my final words to be 'I left one million dollars in the...'I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer."

” When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be ‘I left one million dollars in the…’I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer.”


 My father always told me, find a job you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life.

 My father always told me, find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life.


“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates

“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates


 “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota

 “If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota


“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell


 “Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman

 “Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman


“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone

“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone


“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry

“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry


“Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” —Dennis Miller

“Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.” —Dennis Miller


 “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield

 “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield


Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”—Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”—Oscar Wilde


“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.” —G.K. Chesterton

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.” —G.K. Chesterton


“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” —George Carlin

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” —George Carlin


 “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers

 “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers


 “Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson

 “Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson


 “Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder

 “Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder


Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” —Robert Benchley

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” —Robert Benchley


 “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” —Jerome K. Jerome

 “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” —Jerome K. Jerome


“Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” —Leslie Nielse“I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.” – Unknown

“Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.” —Leslie Nielse“I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.” – Unknown


“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote


“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese

“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese


“Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.” – Unknown

“Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.” – Unknown


“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” – Unknown

“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” – Unknown


“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?” – Unknown

“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?” – Unknown


“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln


“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends


“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey


“So it turns out that being an adult is really just Googling how to do stuff.” – Unknown

“So it turns out that being an adult is really just Googling how to do stuff.” – Unknown


“It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare.” – Lisa Lieberman-Wang

“It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare.” – Lisa Lieberman-Wang


“Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else.” – Unknown

“Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else.” – Unknown


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